![Today I visited the coast, feeling grateful to be able to walk along the sandy beaches and rocky jetty and winding waterfalls. I was feeling unwell with bouts of fatigue, weakness, dizziness, and nausea, but I was still able to enjoy the afternoon with the assistance of foooood and rest!
I’m starting to feel a bit more excitement and motivation for the year ahead, which I haven’t felt in a while. It’s weird to be in a situation that a year ago I thought I would be heartbroken about, but now that it’s arrived, feels right. I hope (and plan) to continue to work on the projects I believe in and use my voice for good in my new surroundings. 🌞✨🌷- @olivialspring
ID: a photo of me on the beach, wearing wide leg jeans, brown chelsea boots, a green coat, grey scarf and hat, and sunglasses. I am standing on a rock, holding my face between my hands and smiling. Behind me the waves are crashing below a cloudy blue sky.]()
Today I visited the coast, feeling grateful to be able to walk along the sandy beaches and rocky jetty and winding waterfalls. I was feeling unwell with bouts of fatigue, weakness, dizziness, and nausea, but I was still able to enjoy the afternoon with the assistance of foooood and rest! I’m starting to feel a bit more excitement and motivation for the year ahead, which I haven’t felt in a while. It’s weird to be in a situation that a year ago I thought I would be heartbroken about, but now that it’s arrived, feels right. I hope (and plan) to continue to work on the projects I believe in and use my voice for good in my new surroundings. 🌞✨🌷- @olivialspring ID: a photo of me on the beach, wearing wide leg jeans, brown chelsea boots, a green coat, grey scarf and hat, and sunglasses. I am standing on a rock, holding my face between my hands and smiling. Behind me the waves are crashing below a cloudy blue sky. ![Today I went cross country skiing with my brother, and it was difficult and tiring! I am surprised by how hard it has been because I consider myself athletic even though I am also disabled.
I grew up playing soccer and snowboarding and I miss my ability to run for hours, something that still breaks my heart to think about. But there are still things I can do - things that I enjoy- that I feel are within my limits. Snowboarding, for example, is something I can still do, and though it can wipe me out for a day or a few, it’s something that brings me a lot of joy.
In middle and high school, I was accused by peers, friends, doctors, and teachers of ‘faking my illness’ and ‘attention seeking’. This was particularly hard when I had no diagnosis, and all I could say sometimes was that I couldn’t get out bed. I’ve realised how much I’ve internalised this, and I often feel guilty for doing activities like this because I’m afraid it will be seen as proof that I am not really sick. I know that this is obviously not true, but as something that was told to me so often at such a young age, I feel unable to shake it from myself.
So I’d like to post this to stand up to that voice in my head - and everyone who has questioned me or doubted my experience in my own body- because I can be both disabled and able to cross country ski for a couple hours. I can use a cane one day, and snowboard the next. Just because you see me running today doesn’t mean I won’t be stuck in bed tomorrow. Both of these things can be true.
I hope this voice in my head fades over time, because it is exhausting to feel like I have to spend my life ‘proving’ my illness, and being convinced that no one actually believes me anyway. - @olivialspring
ID: photo of me taken from behind, where I am skiing on a flat trail surrounded by trees. I have black pants on, a blue backpack, grey sweater, and am using ski poles.]()
Today I went cross country skiing with my brother, and it was difficult and tiring! I am surprised by how hard it has been because I consider myself athletic even though I am also disabled. I grew up playing soccer and snowboarding and I miss my ability to run for hours, something that still breaks my heart to think about. But there are still things I can do - things that I enjoy- that I feel are within my limits. Snowboarding, for example, is something I can still do, and though it can wipe me out for a day or a few, it’s something that brings me a lot of joy. In middle and high school, I was accused by peers, friends, doctors, and teachers of ‘faking my illness’ and ‘attention seeking’. This was particularly hard when I had no diagnosis, and all I could say sometimes was that I couldn’t get out bed. I’ve realised how much I’ve internalised this, and I often feel guilty for doing activities like this because I’m afraid it will be seen as proof that I am not really sick. I know that this is obviously not true, but as something that was told to me so often at such a young age, I feel unable to shake it from myself. So I’d like to post this to stand up to that voice in my head - and everyone who has questioned me or doubted my experience in my own body- because I can be both disabled and able to cross country ski for a couple hours. I can use a cane one day, and snowboard the next. Just because you see me running today doesn’t mean I won’t be stuck in bed tomorrow. Both of these things can be true. I hope this voice in my head fades over time, because it is exhausting to feel like I have to spend my life ‘proving’ my illness, and being convinced that no one actually believes me anyway. - @olivialspring ID: photo of me taken from behind, where I am skiing on a flat trail surrounded by trees. I have black pants on, a blue backpack, grey sweater, and am using ski poles. ![I thought I was a city girl who could only handle nature in short dips, but now I want to bend with the tilted Earth, to revolve around the seasons and move with the changing weather - it is one of the only truths left. How far away can I strand myself from what I thought was necessary? How much can I control while in reverse? That is what I am working on. I think here is alright. I am doing work, I am writing, not every day, but it comes in cycles. I want to commit to, and trust, these cycles. No comparisons to anyone else.
I am really trying to stab my fork into this feast / this uncontrollable, uncharted life. Living everything in slivers / thin sips / tempting tastes. I am in Maine today, and I feel good today. I am happy and grateful and I feel alive. I don’t know when I will be able to return to England, where I thought I was supposed to be. All of my things still there / a life on pause / my ex-partner drinking out of my mugs and sitting next to my magazine collection / eating dinner on the table I bought / and I am not there / but all of my dresses hang on the rack in a room / that is now only that.
But I am here, yes, I am here. And I look forward to placing the chopped wood in the ashy stove, watching the snow drift in and take its soft shape. I will be here or there, trying things.- @olivialspring
ID: image one shows a frozen pond with snow on it, between a few trees and snow covered rocks. The sky is blue fading into yellow above the trees that line the other side of the pond. Image 2 is a selfie of me, wearing a grey wool cardigan with a large collar and round buttons. I am looking at the camera while holding a ceramic mug and I have shirt brown joe and bangs. There is snow on the ground behind me, and bare trees. Image 3 shows a snowy and icy forest with a few fallen trees.]()
I thought I was a city girl who could only handle nature in short dips, but now I want to bend with the tilted Earth, to revolve around the seasons and move with the changing weather - it is one of the only truths left. How far away can I strand myself from what I thought was necessary? How much can I control while in reverse? That is what I am working on. I think here is alright. I am doing work, I am writing, not every day, but it comes in cycles. I want to commit to, and trust, these cycles. No comparisons to anyone else. I am really trying to stab my fork into this feast / this uncontrollable, uncharted life. Living everything in slivers / thin sips / tempting tastes. I am in Maine today, and I feel good today. I am happy and grateful and I feel alive. I don’t know when I will be able to return to England, where I thought I was supposed to be. All of my things still there / a life on pause / my ex-partner drinking out of my mugs and sitting next to my magazine collection / eating dinner on the table I bought / and I am not there / but all of my dresses hang on the rack in a room / that is now only that. But I am here, yes, I am here. And I look forward to placing the chopped wood in the ashy stove, watching the snow drift in and take its soft shape. I will be here or there, trying things.- @olivialspring ID: image one shows a frozen pond with snow on it, between a few trees and snow covered rocks. The sky is blue fading into yellow above the trees that line the other side of the pond. Image 2 is a selfie of me, wearing a grey wool cardigan with a large collar and round buttons. I am looking at the camera while holding a ceramic mug and I have shirt brown joe and bangs. There is snow on the ground behind me, and bare trees. Image 3 shows a snowy and icy forest with a few fallen trees. ![I created @asickmagazine in 2019 while living in Norwich, UK. It was an idea that I had been thinking about and carefully considering for over two years, and it is sometimes still hard to believe that there are two mags out in the world now!
I’ve learned so much about publishing, editing, printing, design, and about myself and my own illness(es). The best part of this work is meeting and connecting with other disabled people, whether they are contributors or readers or supporters, and finding a sense of community on the internet, in printed matter, and even in person.
As much as I love and appreciate being able to run this publication, it can be a lot to handle on my own at times, and I’m trying to get better at managing this workload and designating days/ more time off. I’ve found that very difficult to do since I don’t really see this as ‘work’, but I know it is. I’m excited to start planning issue 3, but I’m just not sure when that will be yet... and I want to embrace that uncertainty and slowness, because I am not a machine, and I have no desire to be or to pretend that I am! SICK is a DIY publication and I’m proud of that. - @olivialspring
ID: an image of SICK issues 01 and 2 on a brown wood dresser. Issue 2 has a cover of bold colours, with sick in yellow at the top, and an abstract body on an elevated pink bed with orangey-red wavy hair. The cover illustration is by @hayleyemwall ! Beneath this, you can see issue 01 with a pale pink cover and line drawings of faces. Behind the mags are a plant, a blue porcelain round floral box, small bronze sculptures, an orange ceramic cup (by @hayleycranberry !) and a jewellery tray with earrings on it.]()
I created @asickmagazine in 2019 while living in Norwich, UK. It was an idea that I had been thinking about and carefully considering for over two years, and it is sometimes still hard to believe that there are two mags out in the world now! I’ve learned so much about publishing, editing, printing, design, and about myself and my own illness(es). The best part of this work is meeting and connecting with other disabled people, whether they are contributors or readers or supporters, and finding a sense of community on the internet, in printed matter, and even in person. As much as I love and appreciate being able to run this publication, it can be a lot to handle on my own at times, and I’m trying to get better at managing this workload and designating days/ more time off. I’ve found that very difficult to do since I don’t really see this as ‘work’, but I know it is. I’m excited to start planning issue 3, but I’m just not sure when that will be yet... and I want to embrace that uncertainty and slowness, because I am not a machine, and I have no desire to be or to pretend that I am! SICK is a DIY publication and I’m proud of that. - @olivialspring ID: an image of SICK issues 01 and 2 on a brown wood dresser. Issue 2 has a cover of bold colours, with sick in yellow at the top, and an abstract body on an elevated pink bed with orangey-red wavy hair. The cover illustration is by @hayleyemwall ! Beneath this, you can see issue 01 with a pale pink cover and line drawings of faces. Behind the mags are a plant, a blue porcelain round floral box, small bronze sculptures, an orange ceramic cup (by @hayleycranberry !) and a jewellery tray with earrings on it.
