I found this picture for the first time on Monday, the day that marked the 15 year anniversary of my father's death. I vividly remember the day- where I was and what I was doing when I finally received the news all the way down in Ecuador that he had passed. I have an understanding of life that supports a concept I call soul packs. I believe that we travel endless lifetimes in groups, knitting in and out of each others lives, playing big and small roles, forevermore in these packs of beings, navigating the roads together. I know it wasn't my first lifetime with my father, and I know it won't be my last. Further, I believe that because we all come from this unlimited energy, a part of him is within me as a part of me is within him. I speak rather openly about my continued relationship with both of my parents, despite their earthy departure. This photo is a gift. And, it immediately activates the deepest grief I've ever felt. It reminds me of what I've lost. The story of this day + this love. To experience their love for each other, as an adult. To know their faces as they age. A hug. A million conversations/laughs/hurts/arguments. So many possibilities, made impossible. In a world where I'm constantly massaging the edges of what I believe is possible, there's a strange comfort in that impossible desire- getting all the stuff that goes away when the flesh no longer exists to hold you. And, it's so incredibly painful. And all I can do is accept it, let it take me over and feel it, viscerally. I howl, letting it pour out of me, letting it break me again and again for as long as it needs. Feel the rage and the anger and the sorrow that lives so deeply in my bones and let it toss me around again. Shake. Dissolve. Breathe. Find my feet. Again. Again. Again. Unpredictable, inescapable, uncomfortable. Healing, strengthening, expanding.
HOW DEEP HEALING IS CURRENTLY MANIFESTING IN MY LIFE. In the storm that was this past number years of deep grief of loss and reclamation, I learned that I'm resilient in the intensity. Living in the hardest of the human experiences provided me with a giant mirror where I had to fully see myself in my vulnerability + strength. And while I can claim my sea legs in that kind of storm, a big desire for me this year is to be able to access that mirror + that transformative vortex without the painful experience as a catalyst. I want to live in my power every day, not only when it's required for others or demanded of by life. I want to show up as my full self for me, for my loved ones, in generosity that beams out of my heart + radiates rose gold love on everyone. I've wanted that my-cup-runneth-the-fuck-over feeling for a long time. Truthfully, I spent years giving away spoons I didn't have to begin with. I took responsibility for a lot of shit that simply wasn't mine. It was out of love, but it was misdirected and TBH, a total misuse of my extraordinary power to hold space. When you take on that weight, most of your energy gets tied up in soothing and protecting yourself. And all the other energy? Straight into self-denial, self-disdain and self-shame. This summer I finally found wings again. And not just for a small sputter, but to fly. Space in my world for greater intimacy in all my relationships, including the one with myself. I have the capacity to function at a higher level, and it's not because I'm only drinking green juice (I'm not drinking any!) or using with herbs + crystals... but simply put, because I'm loving myself differently. I don't push. I don't shame. I don't blame anyone else. I take responsibility for myself + my experience. Because I CAN now. I'm not soothing to survive, I'm tending to thrive. And holy f, I didn't know life could feel this good. I've got a few spots open for 1:1 clients. Let's start a conversation about possibilities.
TRAUMA INFORMED REIKI LEVEL ONE NOW OPEN FOR REGISTRATION! I've had so many people asking me to put together a concise post on what this offering is... and to be honest, it's hard to fit into one post. This work is the culmination (to date!) of my own healing journey. I was introduced to reiki in high school (hi Linda!) and that encouter opened the doors to my personal reclamation, a path that I've been navigating imperfectly for the last 2 decades. Reiki for me is a foundational way of being. It regulates my system through highs and lows, transitions and transformations and empowers my empathic introvert self in small company and crowds. It's helped me hear the truth + power within myself, amongst all the external babble. I use it to work stuff out with my lineage, including my deceased parents. To clear old thoughts, patterns and behaviours from my system, transforming my trauma and rewiring my neurons toward feeling safe + secure; the opposite of how I felt the majority of my life. I have become more me. It fills out my healthy blueprint and connects me to my intrinsic healthcare plan. It emboldens me to move forward to the beat of my own drum. I find courage, peace and pathways when in practice. So this course is designed to initiate you into this magic (your magic, really). We start Oct 28th and we go for 5 luscious weeks, attuning to the energy + learning how to use it for ourselves, our loved ones and our dying house plants . In each class, we'll learn more about the history, philosophy and practice of reiki paired with the science of trauma resolution, and how to utilize this modality in our every day to foster greater ease, joy + peace in all aspects of our lives: our expression, our truth, our families, our relationships, our businesses. Each class will have teaching, Q + A, and practice. I've already lined up a bonus class with an amazing teacher- who knows what other surprises await! Start a conversation with me if you’re interested, following our curiosities is always a good idea 🥳
FOR THOSE OF US THAT HAVE HOPPED AROUND FROM JOB TO JOB SEEKING LONG-TERM SATISFACTION WITHOUT SUCCESS I feel you. By the beginning of my mid-30s, I had already had three careers and three degrees. And I remember heading into each job thinking This is the one that's gonna stick, that's gonna light me up!, and yet not even a year into any of them, I had the itch. I was bored, frustrated, and also... ashamed. Ashamed I couldn't just make it work like everyone else could. That at my age, I still didn't know what I wanted to do. That I had no idea how to fix it... and scared that I was simply doomed to be unhappy at work. The thing is, this pattern might be the legacy of never living out your adolescent developmental stage: the time in our lives we're meant to make mistakes, try on identities, express ourselves, experiment, rebel and assert ourselves onto the world in messy and imperfect ways. All in service of finding ourselves. So if you grew up in a household that had a pretty linear life plan for you, or you weren't allowed to make big messy mistakes, or you lived under the expectations of your family... you may not have had the opportunity to develop a MEANINGFUL self-identity which is CRUCIAL for the bigger questions of adulthood- what's my purpose? The good news? You can have it now. We start at the foundation: explore + identify your deepest curiosities, needs and desires. Meet them for yourself. Invite your community in to support you in meeting them. Re-structure your relationships and ecosystem to support you. Learn the language of boundaries to create safe space for exploration. And then... EXPLORE. Do the thing. Take the class. Make connections. Tiny step by tiny step, your curiosity and courage come back online. Who you really are appears, what really matters crystallizes, and where you want to go becomes clearer and clearer. You come home. You breath into your wings. And the choices from here, they might just fit for the first time.