Every night before I fell asleep the terrible thoughts came in. It was like clockwork. Like as soon as my head hit the pillow & I tried to close my eyes, my brain would go “lol nah girl you ain’t sleeping, you’re gonna ruminate over every terrible thing you’ve ever done so you can feel even worse about yourself.” I thought I had insomnia. But I was just addicted to making myself feel like shit. The thoughts I had were always the same: “I have so much weight to lose. How am I ever gonna lose it? God why did I eat that. I can’t believe I did that. Ugh I’m so disgusting. Why bother, I’m never gonna be good enough. Omg I can’t stand how my thighs are touching, I can’t sleep like this.” So I didn’t. This cycle went on for YEARS. If it wasn’t about my body it was about the guy I was crying over, or the humiliating thing that happened in 1995. Dude, brains are fucked. Those thoughts aren’t true AT all. Thoughts are not who we are! But the more we believe those thoughts, the more real they become. The thought that I had to be perfect to be accepted led me to develop anorexia, body dysmorphic disorder, BED, exercise addiction, & OCD. When we don’t question our thoughts & just accept them as true, they take over our experience & wreak havoc in every area of our lives. I didn’t just struggle with body image. I struggled with relationships, money, career, purpose, drinking, & more. I used to be so logical minded. Like my brain is brilliant AF. So is yours! But it should never be the thing that we rely on, ever. Rely on your intuition. Rely on your emotions. Rely on your body. Let your brain be the last thing you use just to check in, see if it’s safe, ya know? Trust your gut, question your mind. You are not a failure, my love. You are completely whole & perfect exactly as you are. You think you’re not enough so it makes you feel like you have to do more & be more, but it’s a lie! You don’t have to do ANYTHING but be here, now, with all of you, perfectly. I know how real those thoughts feel. But they’re NOT. The answer isn’t in your body or your appearance, or anything else. It’s IN you. Look inside. Everything you want is already within you. You have it.
The struggle is real, man. ...so real.
There’s so much of my story I haven’t shared with you yet, babe. You know, I didn’t just get to where I am overnight. I’ve shared a lot, but there’s still so much shadowy darkness to be exposed to the light. And that terrifies the fuck outta me. There are secrets I’ve never told anyone. There are things that I’ve done, people that I’ve hurt, & relationships that I burned to the ground because of my insecurities. This full moon has activated a lot from my past.. things that I’ve forgotten about completely have been brought to the light. It’s so interesting, I thought my trauma & regaining 60 pounds in less than 4 months was the hardest thing to talk about. Like that part of my journey was the most painful, but it’s not. The darkest times are being brought to the light, & they happened way before all that. I almost have no memory of them because I wasn’t really “there.“ They’re the times that I was so self conscious & insecure about my body & how I looked that I couldn’t show any real emotion. I wanted so badly to be loved, but didn’t let myself because I was so terrified of being rejected. The hardest things to talk about are the things I don’t talk about because they’re still active. I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all figured out. I still have pain in my body. I do have regrets. If I could go back & change things, I would. But there are reasons all these things happened. This journey isn’t about being perfect. It’s about figuring out how to love ourselves so fiercely & understanding that we are human. You are human. You’re gonna fuck up. I fuck up all the time. It’s not about that. It’s about learning how to keep moving forward no matter how many times you do. I feel your pain, & it’s valid, & I love you for it. I love you so much. It’s all okay, you’re perfect. Exactly as you are.
... true story bro.
I can still feel the tears burning my throat as I tried desperately to hold them back. I can still feel the waistband of my jeans digging into my stomach. The shame that I carried penetrated the entire restaurant. It was July 2015. I was celebrating my dad’s birthday at an amazing little Italian restaurant in the outskirts of Pittsburgh. I was late because I couldn’t find any clothes that fit me. My last bikini competition was a few months prior, & I was registered for another 1 in September. The only problem was my prep wasn’t going well. I had gained weight. I was almost 20 pounds above my “normal” & I felt disgusting. As the decadent food was placed on our table, I was triggered. My oldest brother said something that I don’t remember, & that’s all it took. I broke out in tears. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. That was the night I ruined my dad’s birthday. The man who has given me everything since even before I was born, & I shat all over his birthday. I wish I could say that was the 1st time something like that happened. In 2013, it was over eating peanut brittle on Christmas. In 2014, it was any time the scale went up. My eating disorder had somehow started controlling ME. My family still talks about that dinner. As much as I hate that story, I share it with you to let you know that I GET you. I get it. I know your pain. I know it deeply. I’ve felt it. I’ve been there. You are not alone. When I was able to reclaim my power & rediscover my worth, that pain turned into my purpose. I cannot, for 1 more second, let you feel this way about your body. I know what life is like on the other side, & I can show you how to get there. Don’t let anymore birthdays or holidays go by where you don’t feel 100% at ease in your body. Don’t miss 1 more memory with your family because you’re so ashamed of what your body looks like. Don’t skip out on dinner with your friends because it won’t fit your macros. Those things are keeping you stuck. Inspired to Thrive is my 1:1 coaching program that brings you out of your pain & into your power. It doesn’t have to be a struggle. Get your body back, get your power back, get your happy back, get your life back. Link in bio