It’s interesting to me to see how many people have unfollowed me and stopped watching my stories since I started posting more about racism. It feels as though somehow it was missed that I am of mixed race myself. And whilst this past few weeks has raised my awareness to the injustices that Black people experience on a daily basis it’s also brought home to me the racism that’s deeply soaked into our education system, our socialisation, our media and way of being as well as what the experience of racism has changed for me and my family personally. I grew up with racism. I watched my sister run home from school beaten black and blue from racism. I had chunks of my own hair pulled out because of racism. For decades I carried my head low so as not to attract attention because of racism and my own inherent fear. These things seemingly so small have such a huge affect on how a person lives. I say this not to turn the conversation to my own experiences but to share why I empathize so deeply. This is not something I want my or anyone else’s child to go through. Yes this issue is uncomfortable, yes this is going to stretch us as we find new ways of thinking being understanding and relating to not only other people but our own lives and selves, but it must be addressed, we must finally bring the experience of Black people, the injustices in our world and systems into our consciousness both on a wide scale and personally in order to bring about change. And for that I will not be quiet. So unfollow me if you wish but know why I share information and that collectively when we do we are working towards a better future and who doesn’t want that? We have more in common than separates us.
When she was two she told me flowers were her friends and she gave each a little squeeze (sometimes hugging them too close!). This year she’s planted seeds with me to ‘help the fairies’ (hopefully these will keep their heads and petals!) And this week she turned four. I look at her now with wonder as to where the time has flown, how she got to be so very tall and how incredible a spirit and person she is. I’ve watched her sink into herself over the course of our trip and now our isolation and my heart swells with it all. Children truly blossom don’t they? It’s quite the marvel. And as we navigate what seems like fully fledged emotions under these tighter conditions she came to me and reminded me to ‘just take some deep breaths mama’ and so I remind myself the same with each passing moment (that was also before she fell into ‘frog pose’ and threw in a namaste that puts my practice to shame!) But how right she was. All we need to remember is just to take the next breath. **
We’re heading home and I have such a heavy heart. We left Bali at the beginning of February because it wasn’t the place we had hoped we would be able to settle longer term and because Bali was still letting 5k people in from China on a daily basis unrestricted. The threat of coronovirus has loomed over us for the past three months and it’s weighed heavy. We’ve not known where to go, what to do for the best, we’ve wanted to stay living on Oahu but we’ve been advised to fly home early. So next week we will leave and it honestly feels like flying into the eye of the storm. At present there are only 10 cases of #Covid-19 in Hawaii. That’s not only this island but across five. At home there are thousands. As much as we want to stay I can feel the collective weight, anxiety and fear so it feels like the right thing to do. Borders are closing, so we have to be in the UK and somewhere we may possibly be able to help others if or when we can. We will self isolate on our return, but we also have moving into a new home to navigate as well as finding groceries in what seems to be a diminishing supply. It’s all such a strange experience to be having, for us all to be going through so today and everyday we we’re making it a priority to enjoy the little things, the moments, the memories. Pillow fights, walks in the rain, grounding on the beach, barefoot in the grass, hugs. Anything to help lift the weight. Sending virtual hugs to you in a hope a little love will help lift yours too. ❤️
Mummy can I listen to your heart - she asked. And I obliged. She rested her head softly on my chest, listening with my rise and fall to the beat that holds her so deeply and that only she had heard from the inside. *
It’s one of those days where you just want to flop. To put down the phone, shut out the noise, stare into nothingness and watch the curtains blowing in the wind. But there are always things to do. When we left home in December I held the intention of untethering from life as we knew it. From my work too. But I hadn’t anticipated untethering quite to this degree. I saw it coming, but didn’t quite process it. Coronovirus has influenced how we’ve moved around the globe. Mama Bali turned out not to be the place we had hoped we could put down roots and now we’re wondering whether with the recent flight suspensions we should return home early, at all, or what the best thing to do for our family is. Being on a remote island, one of the most remote in the world, has its benefits. If as or when we return to the UK (it’s up in the air right now due to #COVID-19) I’ll be working on something new. With different eyes, a different intention, a different pace and different tools. Part of me feels the guilt and shame for leaving behind what I had spent years to cultivate and grow so deeply that my body responds to the untethering with aches, tension and anxiety. But a bigger part of me knows that this is the path that was meant for me, that I had previously diverted from and I’ve never been any good at doing something that doesn’t feel right instinctively. Over the past year I’ve distanced myself from my old work, clearing space for something, unknowingly welcoming in change. And now it’s arrived. I guess what this ramble is all about is following your heart. Things don’t often work out the way we plan - and often I can be terrible with change taking so much time to sink into the energy of it - but they do work out for the best.
Yes mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me. - Alice Walker * Being out of our comfort zone has pushed all of our buttons. We’ve pushed each other’s too. It’s an interesting dynamic being stretched, making space for that and welcoming in growth, knowing all the whole you’re experiencing similar feelings in different ways. I don’t hide my emotions from her. I used to suppress my feelings to be the adult, the strength I thought she needed but in doing so I left myself and needs at the way side. Vulnerability can be hard. But I need her to know it’s ok to be strong and soft, to feel and acknowledge, that this human experience can be light and dark and that it’s ok to feel and live it all even when it doesn’t feel it. And throughout it all, even when it feels like I want to turn and run from how I’m feeling, to hide it to protect her, to be the adult, the mother, the best human I can be for her, I’m learning to open myself more to feeling it all. It's a process, but isn't everything...